Red Ribbons
by RunFreeCuzLifeIsJustADream
Summary: Everything seemed fine and dandy. At least to Carlos. Until one of the friends commit suicide, and all of the well kept secrets start coming out.
1. Chapter 1

Hey! Sad Time!

Based off of: http:/ boomboxisnotatoyx3. tumblr. com/ post/ 1981839508/ via- s3prod- weheartit- netdna- cdn- .com  
Hey! Why don't you follow me on tumblr? Thanks :P

* * *

It was the calm before the storm. Or before the mega-storm. Or the mega-storm hurricane tsunami. It just all went downhill when I started watching TV, instead of watching him. I grabbed the tub of popcorn I had just made for myself, because nobody was there to entertain me. The smell wafted through the apartment, and whenever I remember that day all I can think of is the scent of manufactured butter. To this day, I avoid popcorn at all costs.

I plopped on the couch, a few pieces scattering on the floor. I could hear Katie and Mama Knight talking in their rooms. Logan was somewhere studying with Camille (yeah, studying), James was with some chick (as always) and Kendall had gone on a date with Jo. I was alone. The TV was off, and I was too lazy to turn it on.

I heard it. I heard it, but faintly. I was curious, but dismissed it as the people next to us or upstairs. I was wrong. I'll never forgive myself for not being paranoid enough. I finally reached over to turn on the TV and press OK on the DVD remote. As the ads played, I remember trying to convince myself to not eat the popcorn. I wanted to wait for the movie to begin. I also remember munching on the popcorn by the middle of the second trailer.

I hate that movie now. I forgot the name, but I hate it. It was so good it distracted me from the most obvious signs. The fact that I could have done something tortures my very soul every. single. day.

Now, I think the movie was reading my mind. It started getting interesting, so I leaned forward, stuffing handfuls of popcorn in my mouth at a time. The rising action was hooking me in. That is, it was hooking me in before I heard a noise. Like, water pooling. I looked at the bathroom in the kitchen, but nobody was in there. Then I turned to the bathroom in the back and sure enough, water was spilling from under the door. I frantically looked around to see if anyone was seeing this, realized nobody was here except Mama Knight trying to relax and Katie, who was useless for spills. I placed the popcorn down carefully, and then leaped towards the bathroom.

When I got there, the water continued pooling. I went to open the door and splashed through the water. I didn't even see him. I saw the bottle first, and wondered why a pill bottle would be floating in the overflowing tub. I noticed the mirror at something on it, and when I turned to it, it read in large, drippy, blocky letters:

All I ever wanted was you.

It look as if someone had punched the mirror at you. I didn't put two and two together. I didn't even see any clothes or a body until I actually picked up the bottle. The label had been so saturated the label was peeling off in chucks. That's finally when I noticed Kendall idyllically sitting in the tub.

His eyes were open. Not wide open, but open enough. They held no expression, they didn't look as if they were looking at anything in particular. His skin was a light tinge of blue. His bleeding hand was in the water, making ribbons of red float to the bottom of the overfilled tub. The glass looked forced into his waxy skin. Over his jaw and mouth read, in the same lettering:

I'm sorry.

The pill bottle was still in my hand. I dropped it unconsciously, and it's clanging shocked me back into reality.

"Kendall?" I whispered. Nothing. Just that same, icy, expressionless stare. I don't know why I thought he'd answer, I just did. When he didn't, I dropped to my knees and crawled though the ice cold water, still overflowing. I grabbed his arm and shook it.

"Kendall." I repeated, shaking him more violently. His body slid towards me more, so his face was closer. He smelled like coldness and medicine, and that scared the hell out of me, finally. I crawled as fast as I could backwards. My back hit the door. As the situation started to dawn on me, I wrapped my arms around my cold leg legs. My jeans (they were tight to begin with) clung to my legs helplessly. It was silence except the continuous bubbling and pouring of the water. Kendall stared into the distance.

"Kendall, get up." I mumbled without thinking. The bastard refused to move, to say anything, to show that this was all some sadistic cruel joke.

"Kendall, get up." I said again, more directed towards him. Not even a flinch. Why couldn't it be a flinch? After staring, waiting for about a minute, I very suddenly started freaking out.

"KENDALL, WAKE UP!" I yelled, slamming my elbows into the door. I repeatedly screamed, "WAKE UP!" while slamming every part of my body into something. The air was tightening around me. Hot tears streamed down my face like the water from the tub. Something broke when my elbow came into contact with it but I didn't care. I sat there trashing.

I don't remember anything. I remember rocking back and forth sobbing, but everything was gone. The water from the tub, Kendall. I was shivering and holding my knees to my chest and crying. I had a huge headache. The mirror hadn't been cleaned yet. The house was eerily silent, but I could tell everyone was here.

Well, I thought, not everyone. I stuffed my face into my knees and sob inconsolably after that. All I could see were his lifeless eyes, all I could hear was that water.

All I could imagine were those ribbons of red, he only thing peaceful floating around.


	2. Chapter 2

_"Do you want this?" he asked. Carlos raised his eyebrow._

_"Your ipod? Are you ok?" Carlos said, feeling his forehead. Kendall forced a laugh and asked again. Carlos shrugged and took it._

_"Thanks." he said, walking away._

I spun the click wheel on the iPod I received yesterday. The room was totally black, but nobody was sleeping. I reached the end and scrolled back up mindlessly. I'd been sitting there spinning the wheel mindlessly for a couple of hours. I wasn't even listening to music. That would make it worse. It was really cold, but I didn't feel like moving. Something was in my eye but I didn't feel like blinking. The noise from the iPod was stuck in my ears, even when I wasn't rolling it, just staring at the screen. It reached the top and started back down.

The door opened and someone walked in and sat themselves on the floor. It was still quiet. Nobody wanted to say anything. We knew Logan didn't want to sleep in an empty room, one that wasn't supposed to be empty. I continued my activity.

"Carlos." James said clearly. I said nothing, just kept scrolling.

"Carlos, shut up with that." he said. I didn't stop. I didn't do anything. I head the bed creak and within a nanosecond the iPod was taken from me and slammed on a table somewhere. My hand was still in the same position. I took in a shaky breath.

"James." I said. James moved his feet across the floor.

"Hand me the iPod." I ordered quietly. He kept sliding his feet. My breathing had become erratic. Helpless whimpers came from James' side and he dragged his feet back and forth. I didn't want to get the iPod, because it was dark and I would inevitably bump into something. My hands curled into fists without me noticing. I could feel myself shaking. I wanted to calm down. I really did. I let out an unintelligible noise, one that was a result of trying not to burst into tears.

The iPod hit me. I grabbed it and all my prior feelings disintegrated with impressive speed. I started scrolling.

"Is it only us?" Logan broke the eerie silence. My eyes were glued to the blinding light of the blue iPod. James shuffled.

"Uhm, yeah. Mama Knight didn't tell anyone else." he said. I froze. James was too close to mentioning it. I could hear them both shift to look at me in the dark. I bit my lip and started circling again. I could almost fell them relax. It was silent for a long time. I really long time. It might have been a whole hour of pure silence. Except for the sound of me scrolling. The songs became blurs of words. I could name every single song on Kendall's iPod.

The iPod didn't make any noise, but when it died I jumped, loudly. I still had the glare from the iPod in my eyes. I blinked, but that didn't help. I had dropped the iPod and I couldn't find it unless I turned on the light, something I was, for some reason, violently opposed to. I shakily laid myself to the pillow, tears streaming down my face silently.

Another death had brought me back to reality, somewhere I didn't want to go. I could feel the tension in the room, and the resistance to face what was happening before our very eyes. My heart twisted around itself painfully and I stuffed my face into the pillow, silently crying myself to sleep.

**[Page Break]**

Nobody woke anyone up. When I woke up, everyone was sleeping or pretending to be. Logan was propped against a wall. James looked peaceful under his covers. I heard no sounds from Katie or Mama Knight. I just sat up and looked at the sunlight kissing everything in our room. I looked at the clock, which read 11:21. I wrapped myself in the covers even though it was significantly warm. My eye glands were swollen, so I noticed every time I blinked. My throat burned. My head throbbed. My nose was dripping, and I was shaking like a lost puppy. I wiped the snot, which turned out to be blood, but I didn't do anything about it. Bird were chirping, kids were screaming from downstairs, and the trees swayed lazily in the wind. How dare it be a good day?

The phone rang, but I didn't make an effort to get up. It rang until it forwarded to the answering machine.

**"DOGS. WHY AREN'T YOU HERE? THIS IS A NEW KIND OF LATE! THIS ISN'T EVEN LATE! YOU JUST TOTALLY SKIPPED. NEXT TIME I SEE YOU... UGH! SOMEONE BETTER HAVE DIED, YOU HEAR ME?"**

He continued screaming, but I picked up at you hear me, enraged.

"What if someone did die, huh? Have you **EVER **realized this is a cruel world? That the WHOLE entire world doesn't revolve around you? LIE ISN'T FAIR _**GUSTAVO**_! Life..." I screamed, then interrupted myself because my voice was gone and I was crying too hard. Phone still in hand, I slid to the floor, sobbing as loudly as I pleased. I could hear Gustavo calling my name, but I dropped the phone instead and put my head between my knees. I was dizzy, and droplets were falling from my nose. I took in a choked breath and coughed more sobs. I wanted to clear my mind of all thoughts, but it wasn't happening. All I could think of was a blue-ish tinged Kendall.

The phone started making the noise it makes when it's off the hook. I kicked the whole table, and it went crashing down. Someone shifted, I froze. I heard walking coming from our room. There was really no time to run, so I just sat up and let the nose blood trickle into my mouth. Someone sleepily flung the door open but didn't walk far before noticing me. They stopped and yawned before addressing me.

"Carlos, what are you doing?" Logan asked. I put my head down. He shuffled over to the table, got some tissues, and sat next to me. Without saying anything, he pressed the tissues to my nose and put my head further down. Tears dripped onto the floor and his hand. Without thinking, I latched myself into Logan like a lost child and cried like a baby. He rocked back and forth and tried to shush me, but to no avail. Before long, we were both clinging to each other, sobbing as loud as we pleased, tears and snot on each other's shoulders.

Nobody ever came out.


	3. Chapter 3

_"Whatcha writing?" Carlos asked, leaping onto the blonde's back. He elbowed Carlos in the ribs and let him fall to the floor._

_"Nothing." he responded, snatching the book away from Carlos' grabbing hands. He finally sat on the book and looked at Carlos blankly. _

_"You'll find out soon, anyway." he mumbled, sucking on his bottom lip guiltily. _

* * *

When Kelly had spent about 15 minutes slamming on the door, Logan stomped from the kitchen (not without spewing a string of profanities) and swung the door open. I was still against the couch, Jo sat on the couch, staring at nothing. It didn't take a nanosecond for Kelly to start demanding answers. Logan didn't say anything, he just went back to the kitchen. Kelly went after him, yelling and waving her arms angrily. I watched them from the corner of my eye, and I watched Kelly getting increasingly more and more pissed as Logan ignored her and looked at his book. Finally, she shoved everything off the table and screamed, "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?" Logan mumbled something I couldn't hear, but Kelly definitely did.

"Don't fuck with me." she said uncertainly.

"Nobody is fucking with you." Logan responded tiredly and laid his head on the table. Kelly staggered backwards and held her forehead. She bumped into the counter and slid down onto the floor silently. From there, she burst into tears. She sobbed uncontrollably and loudly. Each one seemed to choke her. And right then I knew she didn't care as much as we all did. She was already convinced that Kendall was dead, and wasn't coming back. She was perfectly fine, just deeply saddened. If she really cared, it wouldn't have processed. The thought of Kendall being dead couldn't have been true to her.

However, this happened three hours ago. I know this because that's what Kendall's clock indicates. Why I'm staring at Kendall's clock, or lying on my side has completely slipped my mind. I could see clearly underneath Kendall's bed, which was magazines, food, homework, other papers, and two empty boxes of condoms. There is also a book, which surprised me because Kendall doesn't read. Or didn't read. Kendall didn't read.

I reached my arm over an grabbed the book cautiously. It was blank on one side, so I turned it around. In the same block letters that had been on Kendall's forehead, "READ ME" was written. It look like it had been hastily. Like he needed to do something more important than write stupid phrases.

It was the exact same book Kendall had the other day.

I wanted to drop it, but nails instead dug deeper into the binding. I had to open it. I just had to. I wrenched my fingers from the book and stared at it for a while. Then I sat up and slowly opened the cover.

_CONGRADUFUCKINGLATIONS! If you're reading this, I'm probably dead. A suicide! So tragic. Too bad you didn't care enough to find this before I swallowed down 52 Advils. It doesn't matter now. Anyway, I wasn't going to write this. No, I was gonna just be like "Fuck it, these dumbasses can figure it out" but I didn't have confidence in that statement, not at all. So I had to use effort to write down each and every detail of why I killed myself, just because of your stupidity._

_I'm sorry. That was uncalled for. I guess I'm just in a shitty mood. I don't know. Today I've just felt so fucking down. Like, almost... suicidal._

_Ha. See what I did there?_

_Ok, enough with this shit. Why do I need an intro for why I killed myself? That's retarded. This isn't a damn movie. But I guess I'll just prepare you. Every single one of you guys have responsibility for my death. That's right, my mom, my sister, James, Logan, Kendall, Gustavo, Kelly, Jo. All of you who thought you cared killed me. Some way more than others. Right now, you're probably like, "Oh, you suicidal teens and your teenage angst". Guess what I say to that, dear amigo. Fuck you. For the last three months I have been trying to will myself to death, I've been less social, I don't eat, or sleep, or really feel at all. If you hadn't notice that, then how could you have cared? You didn't notice? Or maybe you just didn't give a fucking fuck. I was just a burden anyway. Why do you think I'm dead? To make your miserable, selfish lives better._

_What you're gonna read will be nothing less than tragic and sickening and surprising and crazy intense. You will encounter my deepest secrets, my innermost feelings, everything I have piled up for the last years. Don't be afraid of what you caused, what you triggered in my fucked-up brain._

_So turn the page and indulge yourself, my little grieving companion._

I realized I had been holding my breath for the last few minutes of reading. I didn't bother to start breathing. Every word I read stabbed me in the heart, time and time again. I could not wrap my brain around his hurtful words. I couldn't believe for three months he'd been in this suicidal state, and nobody noticed. I could believe nothing. I didn't want to. I wanted everything to disappear. But that's the funny thing. You only find out things when it's too late. I couldn't save Kendall. I couldn't erase my mind. I couldn't stop thinking, ignorance is bliss. Ignorance is bliss.

But to think it could have been prevented, if only I weren't so occupied with my own life, with myself only, just worrying about my own welfare. I had my head in my hands, and I listlessly started clawing at myself. Why couldn't I do anything? Kendall dying, it was all my fault. It was every single bit of my fault for not noticing anything. I started digging my nails into my face so hard the pain started to subside. I kept squeezing though. No matter how hard I clawed myself, I couldn't imagine what Kendall must of have gone through. I couldn't punish myself enough. So I released my hands and picked up the book again.

Katie Knight  
_Oh yes you, my little sister. Katie with the chestnut hair and the adorable bangs. Katie with the baby cheeks and the huge brown eyes. Katie, my perfect little sister. I wish I could have seen you grow up. I wish I could have beat up boys for you, and pull up your low V-neck shirts, and burn all of your push-up bras. I wish I could be there for you when you graduate from middle, and high and finally college. I wish I could meet my nieces and nephews. I wish I could hold you again._

_The last thing I asked you was "Katie, you love me, right?" You responded with an eye-roll and a "I'd love you if you weren't such a poor excuse of a brother." And you were joking. But you hit it spot on._

_Katie, you were my biggest failure. I failed to be your big brother, I failed to protect you from the woes of life, I failed at raising you. The last thing you ever said to me was so fitting. Brava, little sis. You always had to be right, didn't you?_

There was much more to that section, but I closed the book softly. I stared at the cream colored wall and tears streamed off my sore cheeks. I couldn't read anymore. Reading Kendall's innermost thought legit a day after he died was too much. I could hear his voice as I read the book. I could smell his unique smell. I could feel his presence all around me, and it was just too much. I broke down and cried, right on his rug, next to his bed, on his suicide note.

Everything I felt, heard, saw was Kendall. My life had become Kendall. There was nothing I could do to stop it.

* * *

Eww, why is this so short? Gah.


End file.
